I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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