Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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