I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Someone shattered a urinal.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Randomize
