Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
