1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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