I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
