Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
