I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
