he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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