Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Randomize
