where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
people are starting to question the shark bite story
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
