My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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