There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
