I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
