Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
