using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Randomize
