sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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