Dude my mom stole all your condoms
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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