You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
