im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
