he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
How does one acquire holy water?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
