Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize