Tell her she can't have a vagina
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
