What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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