Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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