be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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