I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
