my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
