If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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