I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
