I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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