I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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