you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize