Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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