FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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