Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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