ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
