I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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