apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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