I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
