It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
