i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
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