If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
