see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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