This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
