I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
