She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
