so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Can I color on your dick again?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize