She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
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