All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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