happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
