He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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