How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
