I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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