the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
