As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
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