My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
