I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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