I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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