I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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