I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
